


Desire doubled is love, (and love doubled is...)

by tenderisthedawn



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Ambiguity, Domestic, Emotionally Repressed, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Introspection, M/M, Miscommunication, Self-Discovery, Slice of Life, a lot of feelings, a lot of thoughts, also...very sweet oh god, hyunjae centric, this is very descriptive sorry if that's an issue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:08:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29552604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenderisthedawn/pseuds/tenderisthedawn
Summary: Something had gone through him and out and Hyunjae wanted to own it.orThe journey of Hyunjae, and the struggle to name and control his feelings for Jacob, his new roommate.The relationship they develop and its consequences.
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	Desire doubled is love, (and love doubled is...)

The sight of the shore is breathtaking. With the sun descending slowly and the sea so quiet, immovable like a painting, Hyunjae turns his head to look at Jacob. 

An even more unique picture displays in front of him, if Hyunjae were brave enough to admit it, he would say that Jacob looks beautiful with his dyed blonde hair as it catches the light just right and under the rigid strands; his eyes, the same ones Hyunjae saw for the first time, almost a year ago, ever so curious and dubitative.

Then, it takes Hyunjae a few moments to go back in his memories, and recall the first time he saw Jacob, the imagination as vivid in his mind, as clear as ever, the knocking at his door loud, he’s transported to that spring afternoon.

“I’m Jacob Bae, came here for the available room you posted online” 

Back then, Hyunjae hadn’t thought about it, he was looking for a roommate, as simple as that. He didn’t notice the guitar hanging on Jacob’s back, he didn’t even look him in the eye before letting him in, into his apartment, and eventually, his life.

That quiet afternoon, they sat at Hyunjae’s tiny table and discussed the housing arrangements, Jacob listened attentively and did not complain even once, at this, Hyunjae recalls being a little bit skeptical, but then Jacob’s warm smile made him forget about it.

“I am okay with the extra expenses, this works perfectly for me” there was something unusually polite but genuine in the way Jacob talked and moved around, and that sort of gave Hyunjae a comforting feeling that expanded throughout him rapidly.

“I hope we get along” he had said. Jacob stood up and left his guitar case on the floor, it was until that moment that Hyunjae saw the guitar and smiled to himself“a musician” he thought, at the same time Jacob offered him a handshake, very polite and western, he also thought. 

At that moment, when their hands touched, Hyunjae wished for a calming and nice life alongside this new Jacob Bae; he wished for tranquility and commodity, friendship, wasn’t a priority.He had no idea that Jacob’s soft and welcoming smile was the very beginning of all his problems. 

The first weeks living with Jacob were surrounded by projects and adjustments in Hyunjae’s life. 

He is aware someone is living with him, that he has to share but he keeps forgetting small things like moping after showering or doing the dishes the moment he finished a meal. But Jacob is the same, a bit wary of Hyunjae’s presence at first as if he is not one to open up or start conversations, like a spirit almost; breaking in, walking through the apartment, stealthy and quiet. He sure is polite and carries himself with a smile on his face (Hyunjae occasionally wonders how is he not tired of throwing a smile at him, even at six when Jacob wakes up for his morning jog and greets Hyunjae in the kitchen) but despite the amiability, there was a sense of distance, as if he is building up a wall around him. At that, it occurred to him, they’re the same. 

*

The following weeks passed in a daze, and with the warm and comfortable spring weather present, Hyunjae spent more time on campus, getting coffee on his way to university instead of drinking some at home, meeting with his friends after classes, studying at the library because the internet connection was better. All of that made him almost forget that he lives with someone. The thought that he barely knows Jacob comes to his mind and it bothers him the rest of the day, it keeps growing on his way back to the apartment, when the sun is setting at the end of the narrow street, a red spot dying in the yellows and oranges, he is alone with his thoughts for the first time in a while. He tries to make a mental list of things he knows about his roommate, but disappointedly sighs at the imminent reality, he doesn’t know Jacob.

Hyunjae could be shy when first approaching someone, he was aware of that side of him, but this other side existed, the one where he is talkative and a jokester, the Hyunjae that fondly would annoy his friends, and sister. 

He thought that Jacob was a nice guy, and after all, they shared an apartment so why being shy and playing this game of averted eyes if they could simply be friends?

As his mind comes to that simple conclusion, the sun is long gone and Hyunjae is by the door, few steps away from the silence of home and Jacob.

When he opened the door that evening, the silhouette that appeared in front of him seemed more like a painting; there was nothing special about the living room and its lack of decoration, but Jacob was sitting on the main couch, his guitar in hand, playing soft chords that filled the room. If Hyunjae were to use a word to describe the scene, it would have been serene. 

“Hi,” he said while making his way to the couch, he could clearly see Jacob’s confused expression, as this exchange was uncommon. But there is always a beginning and Hyunjae believes in this, he wants to be welcoming to Jacob, he drops the awkwardness that lingers and approaches him by sitting next to him.

Jacob smiles politely while replies to Hyunjae, still with a drop of uncertainty or that’s what he perceives anyway 

“Hello. You’re here a bit earlier than other days”Hyunjae simply nods, and then small talk:“So you play the guitar a lot?” Jacob proceeds to explain how when he lived in Canada he taught himself to play the guitar so he could play in the church choir when they needed it. Hyunjae listened carefully, in the midst of words and drinks by the living room he caught the way Jacob’s eyes sparkled when he mentioned Canada, he wanted to ask so he did “ do you miss Canada?” 

The question made Jacob evade his gaze, Hyunjae expected that reaction but still hoped for an answer. In what seemed like a second Jacob’s expression changed, a tiny smile danced on his face and his eyes, focused on his guitar, something intelligible in his eyes and Hyunjae couldn’t tell if it was longing or pain.

“Of course I miss home. My mom, my brother, and my dogs. I just feel like coming to Korea was a new beginning, something I needed to do” Jacob shrugged, and then Hyunjae felt small for some reason, words too big for him. Some of that sentiment must have been reflected on his face because Jacob looked at him and softly said, trying to comfort him or just change the mood “That sounded so serious. I’m just rambling and I’m okay actually, we all miss home and the old days, right?” He nodded and decided that that was the end of the topic, not uttering a single word and Jacob agreed when he started to play the guitar again, the soft melodies filling the room once again, not a chance for a negative thought. 

That night Hyunjae listens to Jacob play an entire song for the first time, and he doesn’t mind it, he is somewhat lulled by the soft sounds that move around and caress his ears, like a whisper.

Jacob is a nice and gentle person, he can be a good friend, Hyunjae decides that he will try.

-

The next morning when he wakes up (a bit earlier than usual because his head is hurting and there must be a pill somewhere in the house) Hyunjae walks to the kitchen, half-closed eyes; with slumber and sloppiness he searches for the pills in the kitchen counter but fails to find any, he looks into the shelves but finds nothing, just when he’s moving some coffee and tea boxes, hoping for success, a voice approaches him from behind.

“Morning,” says Jacob in a murmur. It is early and not completely illuminated, when Hyunjae turns around and says “ Good morning Jacob” he barely sees him standing in the middle of the kitchen, ready for his morning jog, he’s wearing training clothes. 

He recalls last night and decides to speak more as he sees Jacob by the counter, getting a glass of water. “My head is killing me but I can’t find a single pill around here. I was so sure I bought a pack a few weeks ago uh” he sighs, now facing Jacob, both hands holding his own head, dramatizing his headache and his misfortune. Jacob _giggles_ at the sight and says “Glad you told me! When I get too stressed or I don’t exercise my head hurts, so I always carry some painkillers with me. Let me get them from my room” Jacob disappears in the hallway and Hyunjae waits, a smile growing on his face. In a second Jacob is back with a few pills, handing them to Hyunjae “Keep them, maybe the pain comes back at night or something” he tells him. And his face is genuine and honest, standing there in the kitchen. Hyunjae feels warm.

“Jacob you saved me. Are you an _angel_?”Hyunjae tried to keep a straight face but he fails miserably and laughs, loud and free. Jacob follows along, mouthing something like “What are you talking about?” in between giggles. Their laughter ricochets around the apartment. 

*  
  


The following weeks are simpler times. It sort of becomes a routine for Hyunjae to go to sleep with the faint sound of Jacob's guitar playing in the other room, in rare occasions he catches the even softer voice of Jacob singing or humming, eventually, he finds himself waiting for the night so he can listen to Jacob. He doesn’t exactly know why, but listening to him from his room, it’s like a secret, and he is part of it. 

It had also become a routine to wake up with the clatter of plates and glasses from the not so far away kitchen; Jacob who developed the habit to go on morning runs and left even before Hyunjae opened his eyes, but returned by the time he had to go to campus and the rattle in the kitchen ( I like coffee, Jacob had said, and also smoothies it’s good for your body) helps him waking up fully. 

So naturally, he expects Jacob by the counter making coffee. He likes coffee, and his days at uni only reinforce the need for caffeine, maybe in unhealthy amounts. He’s in a hurry that morning, if he recalls the reason, some classes got moved and he needed to get to campus earlier than usual. Hyunjae decides that he will buy coffee on the way.

He greets Jacob with a lazy smile and gets the same response, the rush hour for them is the morning, no time for breakfast or long conversations, usually because Hyunjae wakes up just in time to dress up and leave, and Jacob is the same.

“See you later” he mutters walking to the door but Jacob’s voice stops him “Want some coffee? I’ll give you mine”when Hyunjae turns around to face Jacob, he just sees a boy standing there, in the middle of the kitchen, black coffee in hand, offering his drink. “I know you’re in a rush so… here, take it and go.” He hesitates just a little but takes the coffee and smiles shyly at Jacob, he feels slightly embarrassed although he doesn’t know why.

“Thank you. I’ll get us something for dinner” he says as he leaves, Jacob’s voice is playful and familiar when he replies “it’s a deal.

*

Summer approaches with warmer and longer days. Hyunjae likes admiring the sunset just a bit more when summer came around. From his window, he can see the colors changing, and he wouldn’t tell anybody but he found solace in small moments like these, because warm summer days reminded him of childhood, and home, and simpler days.

Living with Jacob is sort of warm too, he notices, as summer languidly enters their home and he’s bored with no academic responsibilities he allows himself to think about Jacob. 

Not that it was ever weird for him or for anyone to acknowledge the person you’re sharing a home with, but his mind divagated for the strangest routes sometimes; from recalling that morning and the following days too, that Jacob handed him coffee (seeing how exhausted and rushed Hyunjae was at that time). He finds himself thinking about the things he knows about Jacob and the things he doesn’t.  
For the ones he knows; he’s Canadian, misses home, plays the guitar, is an angel (even though Jacob himself denies it every time Hyunjae feels the need to bring it up), he works as a teacher assistant in the music department of an international school, he likes sweet things and his coffee black, he loves dogs and he can be quite funny. 

The ones he doesn’t is a task to complete, at least that’s how his mind sees it. 

But this trip of mind of his stops mid-thought when Jacob knocks at his door, which is relatively normal now, he often asks for things, or he just asks Hyunjae the most random questions, even once he only entered Hyunjae’s room to show him a photo of his dog, back in Canada. This time around, Jacob is in casual clothes and he’s holding a basketball. Hyunjae quickly knows this is an invitation, and he’s bored, the sun is going to set soon, he’s been home all day and Jacob wants him to go, so he goes. 

The walk to the park is accompanied by occasional chatter but mostly silence, it’s not of the awkward type but contemplative. The main street is narrow and the golden hour, which Hyunjae adores, is displaying colors and shadows in their faces. Hyunjae steals a glance at Jacob who walks languidly next to him, it occurs to him that is the first time he’s stared at his face for longer than two seconds, he notices that there is a boyish aspect to Jacob’s face as if he appears younger than he actually is. 

Hyunjae wonders if anyone has ever told Jacob that. Contrastingly enough, Jacob’s body is (although smaller than Hyunjae), still very much broader. This train of thought leads him to nowhere in particular but Jacob, and when he realizes, they’re already at the park. 

“I love Thursdays. This place is almost empty” Jacob beams and runs to the small basketball court, Hyunjae gives his mind a rest and runs after him, ready to play.

They play for a while, the sun is impossibly down, about to disappear. 

Now their shadows almost dance in the basketball court, Jacob is precise and strong when he manages to score the last point of their arranged one vs one match, Hyunjae smiles while he’s taking the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand.

“Are you always this intense when you play basketball?” He caught himself asking, once Jacob is sitting on the floor, still panting. Hyunjae sits next to him.

“I just really like playing basketball, it is always fun” with his answer comes a shrug and Hyunjae finds him endearing, almost. 

“It is something I considered professionally, but it’s hard” he added, his tone was lighthearted but Hyunjae was able to register something else. He plays with his fingers, and sees the shadows that they create on the floor, with Jacob next to him, he follows the conversation.

“Are you happy as a teaching assistant?”The sudden question makes Jacob move his head just enough to look at him, his gaze lingers from Hyunjae’s eyes to the space between his shoulder and neck, but he rapidly moves his eyes to his hands. That much Hyunjae notices.

“I’m happy now. I find new reasons to be”He smiled faintly like it was a muscular reflex. Hyunjae wanted to tease him to erase the silence that was evident, but he finds himself unable to and Jacob is faster anyway;

“You are always asking questions like these. But you don’t open up I assume” 

He laughs it off, pointing at himself and saying me? But Jacob is looking at him, his eyes are honest and so, so warm it takes Hyunjae less than a second to change his mind.

“Open up about what things?” Jacob looks thoughtful, maybe too much for a conversation at the park. And maybe he’s right, Hyunjae doesn’t like opening up, it is vulnerable and out of his control. 

“I don’t know. Like, if you’re happy where you are, or if there’s something bothering you. Things like that”

He thinks about it for a minute, the questions are big and it’s already dark. This, Hyunjae thinks, feels like a secret. 

“ Hmm. I’m comfortable where I am now. Maybe If I had to change a couple of things I would”He looks at Jacob after that, his face scarcely illuminated by the streetlamp nearby, he thinks that he wouldn’t mind sharing bits of his mind with Jacob. Knowing he is so warm and welcoming, Jacob would never judge him. So he smiles at him fondly like saying that’s all I can do for now and thank you for asking.

Jacob smiles back, his eyes never leaving Hyunjae’s, as if he’s taking him in, his face and features. Hyunjae notices but says nothing, he’s also staring after all.

It takes the both of them a few minutes to speak again, night has reached them by the park and it is oddly comforting; it’s been a while since Hyunjae spent some time out like this, carefree and liberating, some birds flying to the adjacent trees, ready to sleep.

The world is preparing to shut down. Jacob stands up and offers him a hand to do the same.

“Time to head back, it’s already this dark,” Jacob says, walking.

“Are you scared?” Hyunjae jokes, playfully elbowing Jacob. He elbows him back.

“No! It’s just not bright and it makes me uncomfy” Jacob whines and Hyunjae laughs, he feels happy at that moment, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, or a door opened somewhere far from reach. He feels as if the barrier that once separated him and Jacob, disappeared completely. 

“By the way, thanks for tagging along and playing. It was fun” Jacob continues as they approach the main street.

“Oh. Anytime, I had fun too, but next time….” He lingers while side-eyeing Jacob, big eyes and face like a question.

“Next time I’m not letting you win”

Something is starting to shift.

*

It starts with a dream. It’s still summer and the weather becomes a problem. He sleeps with the tiny fan on and wakes up in the middle of the night more often than not, sometimes he even takes a shower. But some other nights, this dream of his wakes him up. In the dream, he is standing in a semi obscured room, surrounded by shelves stacked with all things and dust. Hyunjae is looking for something he believes hides in that room, and then without invitation Jacob enters, not making any sound. Hyunjae sees him standing there, finding his place next to him, next to a big and rusty shelf.

In the dream, Jacob is also looking for something.

And then they look for something together, their bodies close, the warmth of Jacob’s body is something too real that Hyunjae wakes up remembering it, so clearly that he wash his face with cold water and entertains his mind through the morning, trying to erase that warmth. 

Other times, in the dream, barely alternated, Hyunjae is looking through the mess of old boxes and books, Jacob is there too, again so close to him that if Hyunjae were to turn his head and body just a couple of inches, his chest would touch Jacob’s and he would face him. He is not ready to do that, he knows he wouldn’t do that in a normal day.  
But this is his dream, so he does so, inexplicably easy, he moves and the last thing he remembers before waking up is Jacob looking at him, at his lips; leaning in ever so slowly and then silence.

This dream makes Hyunjae very uncomfortable for reasons he’s very unaware of. It’s more of a sentiment that spreads through his chest, like guilt. And then he feels, too, an immense amount of embarrassment every time he sees Jacob. 

It is difficult to be feeling that way when he is sharing an apartment with Jacob, their schedules are similar so they often have dinner together, and Hyunjae has gotten used to that, sitting next to Jacob in the kitchen, eating and chatting, sometimes the conversation drags until midnight, and with tired eyes, Jacob listens to him, and gives Hyunjae advice on uni or his family-oriented questions. Hyunjae is not about to throw that out of the window.

So he endures it, a dream is just a dream.

_ Until it is not. _

It starts to happen other times too when he is wide awake. Hyunjae indulges in the idea of being alone with Jacob, a little too much to be considered friendly.

Before he was just content with the thought of spending time with Jacob after he came home from his work, that was enough. Now, Hyunjae finds himself waiting for Jacob to just sit on the couch with him and sing a couple of songs, or when the weather is nice, they would leave the house and take a walk around the neighborhood, Hyunjae felt a kind of joy that was weird at first, like something galloping in his chest. 

He reprimands himself sometimes, after realizing he’s been waiting for Jacob to text him his classic “I’m on my break.” then proceeded to send Hyunjae pictures of cute animals or nice guitars he’d find online. Every time, Hyunjae would reply in a second, to not make Jacob wait, not even a minute. He finds himself involved in a routine that includes Jacob, not only as his roommate but as a friend, an important part of his life. 

He prioritizes Jacob, from little things like buying extra coffee or rice for their meals to offering a hand helping Jacob with revising papers from his students (which prolongated for hours into the night, tired eyes and lazy arms, sitting in the living room, Jacob wearing his glasses and drinking his third coffee in a row, more often than not Hyunjae thinks Jacob looks beautiful like this, messy hair and furrowed brows, but he swallows the fondness bubbling in his chest and says nothing).

He doesn’t mind doing all these things for Jacob, he’s not asking for anything in return.

He is patient and quiet, being low-key about it gives him time to process whatever goes on in his heart, as well as time to spend with Jacob before it becomes unbearable.

*

It happens one of those nights. Already midnight and Hyunjae offered some help to revise Jacob’s workload. They’ve spent three hours sitting in the living room, drinking and chatting from time to time. Jacob, as always, calm with his glasses on, sometimes his eyes would squint trying to read. Hyunjae, who had been drinking a little less, kept helping silently, occasionally eyeing Jacob, monitoring him who was prone to fall asleep in the middle of any task. 

“It doesn’t bother you. Helping me, right?” Jacob mutters, barely there. Hyunjae is quick to deny with his head while he smiles calmly.

“Of course not. I like helping you”it occurs to Hyunjae that he can be a lot more honest at the wee hours. They keep working for a while, the white noise (the sound of paper and pencils writing on it) filling the room until Jacob speaks again, out of the blue.

“You are always nice to me” Hyunjae looks at him. There is no emotion in Jacob’s face, or at least he’s not able to read any. What is in Jacob’s eyes, Hyunjae cannot see.

“What’s wrong with it?” Voice calm. He waits for an answer. But the air feels heavy suddenly.

“ Nothing. It’s just that I don’t get it”Hyunjae waits again. 

“You don’t have to help me with all of this. You don’t have to take care of me, but you do it anyway” Nothing in Jacob’s voice intends discomfort, instead, it’ s a genuine statement, like he himself is realizing like these words are meant for him. Hyunjae takes the easy route.

  
“You are my friend and I care about you” Jacob looks at him, his eyes still, an enigma. Hyunjae allows himself to continue, this much he will give in.

“I care about the things you like. And it makes me happy, helping you” his voice is now a whisper, these words resonated in his head almost every night, but to say them out loud, even in the secluded space that was their living room, even if it were futile…

Jacob had not said a word, he kept his gaze on Hyunjae’s, again, taking him in, analyzing perhaps. Hyunjae wanted to ask, to stop wondering what was in Jacob’s mind. He was a cocoon, always strong and helping but never opened completely, no weakness or fears on the surface. He was not disingenuous at all but a closed person. 

In the midst of this gazing and doubting, Hyunjae moves, stealthy but never stopping, closer to Jacob, as if their knees aren’t touching already, as if he’s not eager for some touch.

“You are always like this” Jacob says, finally smiling (despite the closeness of their bodies which no one mentioned at that moment), like the beginning of a laugh, and Hyunjae couldn’t help but smile his nervousness away. He can wrap this conversation up in any second, he can take Jacob’s smile as a sign to escape and forget about the urge that is eating him alive… and yet he doesn’t. He would let Jacob talk until the morning comes.

“Remember when we talked about me missing home?” The room feels lighter now, they’re still sitting close, ignoring the implications, or maybe, deep down, silently acknowledging them. Hyunjae nods.

“And when we talked about happiness that other time at the park…” Hyunjae nods again.Listening carefully, looking into Jacob’s eyes was more than enough.

“Thank you. I like having you around Hyunjae” He moves the hand that was resting between their bodies and caresses Hyunjae’s cheek. It is a light and sudden touch, barely there, but is enough for Hyunjae to feel like the air is missing, to make him ache for contact. He closes his eyes for a fraction of a second, unaware of Jacob’s reaction, he opens his eyes again and finds a pair of big eyes, still on him, softer than the hand on his face.

In that instant, not a single worry crossed his mind, nothing held him back. 

He moved forward and kissed Jacob on the lips.

He kissed him full of emotion, desperate almost. And Jacob kissed him back, with both hands cupping Hyunjae’ face, and just as euphoric. He kept kissing him and kissing him and kissing him for a while. His hands find Jacob’s waist, keeping him in place, holding him tight. Letting go was not an option, not when he’s been desiring this for a while. The exact moment his adoration changed into this want. It’s terrifying but so real.

When Jacob breaks the kiss Hyunjae chases after his lips, dizzy and desperate, Jacob giggles and Hyunjae sheepishly buries his head in the crook of his neck, finding solace in the warmth and soft scent of the shirt. It feels like home.

*

The next few days get shorter as summer says goodbye. With the last vexing afternoons full of heat and light, Hyunjae feels like nothing has changed. Jacob is still working part-time as a T.A and his morning routines are as rushed, but now, in between coffee and toast, Hyunjae manages to leave wet kisses all over Jacob’s face and neck. 

It’s frustrating how much he’s wanted this, even when it wasn’t a thought that Hyunjae understood. He surrenders before the desire mixed with adoration he feels for Jacob, he doesn’t question it. He kisses Jacob in the mornings, and when he gets home. He hugs him before going to sleep and when they’re laying in bed after watching any of the Avengers movies Hyunjae loves. He then falls asleep with Jacob’s hands caressing his hair, strong and calloused fingers through the curly and messy strands.

Other times they catch up with each other’s days, Hyunjae with his uni projects and Jacob with the new classes he needs to organize. Sharing smiles and advice, just like they did before. 

They never mention the kisses and the sweet nothings, it is mostly Hyunjae who interrupts Jacob mid-talking to kiss him senseless. And Jacob complies and kisses him back every time. 

On different days, when Hyunjae feels like cooking (because Jacob is even worse than he is at that) Jacob wraps his arms around Hyunjae’s narrow waist and kisses him tenderly, thanking him with no words.  
  


Unspoken, that is what they end up existing as. Something unspoken but dynamic, something guided by Hyunjae’s desire and adoration, propelled by Jacob’s affection and soft words. 

It is the first time Hyunjae felt the need to care so strongly about someone, the first time he felt this much. 

*  
  


The days went by in a mix of workload, songs played softly with Jacob’s guitar, change of scenarios; September ended and the cool weather made its appearance, longer nights and yellow leaves. 

Things change their course, evidently, as now Jacob is even more confident and approaches Hyunjae in the kitchen, making some coffee. 

At first, despite not talking directly about the shift in their relationship, there was a sense of wariness; Jacob would hesitantly touch Hyunjae, or even ask “Is this okay” before anything else. And Hyunjae, who often joked and acted playfully, turned into a shy mess, hiding his face in his hands or turning red in the ears after he got called “pretty” (it’s a simple word, but when Jacob called him that…)

“That much caffeine could kill you,” he says, looking at the big mug on the counter. 

The size of the kitchen makes it easier for them to close the distance, Jacob hugging him from behind, the laziness of the morning.

“It’s this much or I’m not a functional human being”Hyunjae laughs, and Jacob sighs, breaking the embrace. They now face each other while Hyunjae sips on his coffee.

“Talking about functional human beings, so I’ve been assigned more classes to assist for this fall semester” there is a pause.

“And I’ll be spending more time there too. It’s important for me to work on this so I can keep learning and… I really love teaching music, you know”

Yes I know, of course, I do Hyunjae wants to say, but instead, he simply nods.

Their apartment had become a _locus amoenus_ for both of them, whatever happened outside these four walls didn’t matter that much, not when they built such a place. 

With the idea of Jacob spending more time at work than at home, they’d be moving like before, reminiscent of the first days sharing a place. Opening and closing doors only. 

But Hyunjae is understanding.

“Oh” He finds himself saying with a genuine smile growing on his face, full of fondness. 

“Don’t overwork then. And make sure you eat well. I’ll make dinner anyway. And wait for you”Jacob chuckles. Of course, he will.

“Don’t miss me too much” he then jokes, Hyunjae chases after him in the tiny kitchen and encloses him with his arms, playfully and affectionate. 

Things are constantly shifting. 

*

By the second week of October, Jacob’s tight schedule forces them to gravitate around each other in a different manner. When Hyunjae isn’t busy with the last part of his projects, Jacob is fixated on his computer, checking papers and accommodating classes, even though Hyunjae offers his help, more often than not, he gets rejected two out of three times. “I’m fine, I’ll finish in a minute” or “It’ll take a lot of time to explain, I’ll do it myself” are common.

Their apartment changes, naturally; chaos to some extent, things all over the place, Jacob’s guitar out of his case, on the couch, or by the door. Shoes in random places, and dirty mugs by the kitchen table.

It takes Hyunjae no more than that to perceive things are going backward, and he sees it in Jacob's eyes, that night when, tired after a long day, he sits next to him on the couch. 

He is reading and his glasses are on, the computer’s light illuminating his face. Such a sight, even if he’s tired himself, Hyunjae gets close to him in an attempt to greet Jacob with a kiss.

“I missed you” he had whispered but Jacob stopped him midway, hands on his chest. Not very playfully. Hyunjae retracts.

“I’m not in the mood Hyunjae” his eyes never leaving the screen. 

Hyunjae nods but then asks, lightly. “What’s wrong?” The silence is heavy, which is unusual. Quiet nights are always of the peaceful kind, Hyunjae misses those.

“There is nothing wrong. I’m just working hard for this” There is more silence. It becomes unbearable almost. “And you are all over me” he finishes, still not looking him in the eye, gaze fixed on the screen. 

“But we are always like this” Hyunjae replies, helpless. In the past months, they’ve lived together as if enclosed in a thimble, too close to each other. Hyunjae didn’t know any other way and he wouldn’t have it any other way either. Not when Jacob was all he adored. He once found solace in Jacob’s embrace and company, as friends first, as roommates, as people. Then he fell in love. There was no return. Not for Hyunjae.

“I don’t remember exactly asking for it” the words are harsh and indigenous to him.  


If he thinks about it, no one explicitly asked for the relationship they had. It just happened. With comfort and domesticity, taking care of each other. Learning things about the other. They settled boundaries along the way, and Jacob, always indulging Hyunjae, kissing him back, touching him as tender. Both of them wanted this. 

Although it became pretty obvious now that Hyunjae was the one who ached for it.

The night was deafening and Hyunjae feels empty.

Some days pass by, and that time he wakes up late for the first period of classes so he decides he will not undergo the stress of running late, not when he feels empty and drained, completely fucked up. They avoided each other perfectly, going back to the time Jacob resembled a ghost, and nothing in that apartment was his, but Hyunjae’s. Instead of shyness and caution, their movements were elusive and avoidant. They learned the language of averted eyes, too well for Hyunjae’s liking.

Every night he went to bed with the thought of Jacob not wanting this, not wanting him. He somewhat understood, even if it hurts, that maybe their levels of infatuation were drastically different. Maybe, just maybe they misunderstood the whole thing. Jacob's harsh words, propelled by frustration and internal stress. Hyunjae considered every single thing before closing his eyes and succumbing to sleep. 

Leaving the room is easy, but facing Jacob in the hallway is not.

“Hey” his voice is not as devoid of life as it was nights before. 

Jacob looks tired, more than that; exhausted like he ran a marathon while being sick. So different from the Jacob he grew to almost look up to.

Hyunjae wanted to hug him so tight. But he doesn’t allow himself. He’s handed himself over so many times. He can wait.

“Hey,” he says back, moving to the kitchen, indifferent in the way he moves through the room, tired eyes and hands preparing coffee.

Jacob follows him. It takes a couple of minutes to get back to talking, the clatter of plates and glasses, the sigh that slips. The timid steps approaching, and a hand that lifts and reaches Hyunjae’s cheek, unexpected. 

It opens the conversation with a gentle touch. Something Hyunjae had been yearning for.

“Talk to me” Jacob begs with his eyes more than he does with his voice.

“I know you don’t want to see me and we’ve been ignoring each other. But I don’t want this” his voice is real and there is a pinch of passion too. One thing he learned about Jacob in the months living with him; he’s not one to give up easily.

He will try and try and try again. Be it music or love.

“Okay” it’s all he says. Jacob smiles faintly, a small victory.

“But let’s not do it here. We need a change of panorama” he continues, startling Hyunjae completely.

“Huh? What do you mean Jacob…”

“Let’s go to the shore, I will drive” 

“What about your job?”

Jacob takes the car keys hanging from the small standee on the counter and looks at Hyunjae so seriously, penetrating but never too harsh.

“It can wait. Let’s go”

Jacob opens the door and he follows. He always does.

The car ride is about three hours, which, in different circumstances would’ve resulted in Jacob driving calmly while Hyunjae turned the radio on, or even better, played some songs from his own playlist, the soft songs he loved and Jacob would’ve sung along to Time spent walking through memories. 

But it wasn’t the case, instead, the afternoon sun that dripped gold through the car’s windows was the only sign that this wasn’t a bad dream. Hyunjae deep in his seat, bony fingers intertwined, then erratically stroking his own arms. And Jacob, driving with the eyes straight and never distracted, occasionally whispering or humming to himself, a habit of his, never changing. 

As time passed and the sun changed its position just a tiny bit, the shoreline made its appearance, like painting strokes, first devoid of color, just a pinch of blue, and then, as they kept going, strong and vibrant blues near the horizon. 

It’s been months, almost a year since Hyunjae went to the beach. He missed the smell of salty water and the feeling of sand on his feet, too hot due to the sun or too wet and soggy.

They approach the beach, Jacob finds a place where they park their car, still, no words said other than “make sure the windows are rolled up” and thus they begin their silent walk to the shore.

Jacob’s recently dyed platinum hair shines a bit too much under the sun, it occurs to Hyunjae that is a beautiful sight, he doesn’t say it. But the memory, he will keep.

They keep walking, side by side, they hadn’t reached the wet sand yet, making their steps slower, as if they were lazily marching. Hyunjae also represses the urge to hold Jacob’s hand. His eyes though, can not deviate from Jacob’s face. He’s waiting for him to speak. So he never stops looking.

“I’m sorry” there is a pause that fills with the waves crashing a huge rock that’s near them. “I’m sorry for hurting you with my words and I’m also sorry for the things I didn’t say”Jacob sighs.

Hyunjae keeps listening but utters no words. The waves crashing remind him he’s there at that moment.

“It is hard for me to say things, you’d probably already know that. With you… all the things that happened since we met…” Jacob is looking at the sea as if contemplating the vastness that the blue offers, but also sincerely and carefully picking his words.

“All of that made me the happiest. Because you were there I felt less lonely. You know how much I miss Canada, mom and my brother, God, even my dogs I do miss them a lot”

Hyunjae walks some steps closer, he’s next to Jacob and the sea in front of them. The voice that Jacob lets out is vulnerable and honest. Hyunjae likes the way it sound.

“And overworking made me act like I was mad at everything, mad at you when I was only mad at myself” 

“Why were you mad with yourself?” Hyunjae inquires. Genuinely worried. He now can’t control his hands that slowly move and brush some strands of white hair that the wind messed around with, off of Jacob’s face.

“Because I couldn’t deal with missing home and also all the things I needed to get done in order to succeed. I felt like I was running in place. And that I was holding you back, too.” 

For the first time in days, their eyes met. And it was more than enough at that moment.

“Why would you think that. You were not holding me back” 

Jacob sighs, now he’s the one fixing Hyunjae’s hair.

“You always took care of me. It was almost like devotion” Jacob chuckles 

“It felt like it. I was just there. And you gave me everything. And yes maybe I did not ask for it but I needed it as much” 

The sun is descending right in front of them, the autumn days are shorter. Perhaps it is also a cue for Hyunjae to speak his mind, as if the sun dying in the horizon signified also, the end of something. 

“You are so perfect” But Jacob keeps going 

“And I’m sorry for not being able to tell you how much you mean to me” he finalizes, looking into Hyunjae’s eyes. 

As honest as always. A series of realizations come to Jacob’s mind.

“Hey” Hyunjae begins. This much, he will tell. 

“Don’t apologize for feeling things in your own way. We feel differently but the important part is that we _do_ feel it. We feel the same but we process it differently, that’s all” Jacob nods, but looks down. Being vulnerable and opening was new, for both of them.To have to speak out, for them being the way they were.

Somehow the noisy waves and some birds flying north gave them courage. The lonely beach the only witness.

“I just need you to talk to me when you feel lonely. I will do the same. We can take care of each other” Jacob smiles simply and out of pure joy, for the first time in days he shines.

It occurs to Hyunjae that such a sight was worth it. He would try time after time. For Jacob, he will keep trying.

No words are needed after that, just compliant gazes and shy smiles, in that moment Hyunjae stops holding himself back, it doesn’t matter that it is not their apartment, and it doesn’t matter, not even a bit that their faces are a little wet for the sea breeze and their lips are salty; he hugs Jacob tight as he deserved. He feels his strong arms hold onto him, not a trace of fear or doubt, and then their lips meet again.

Jacob’s hands cupping Hyunjae’s face, kissing him and kissing him, first on the lips then his cheeks and his nose.

“You are beautiful” Jacob had said. It didn’t matter that it was cheesy or spontaneous, Hyunjae smiled through the kisses nevertheless, enjoying every second that Jacob offered him. It was like coming home. 

*

It is now mid-November and things are going just as calm and happy as they wished them to be. The first changes were evident, although Jacob never complained, Hyunjae learned to offer some space too, not overdoing things, giving space for Jacob to keep focusing on his job as a teacher but also his own stuff. It didn’t matter that after days of overwork they simply couldn’t take a walk or watch movies, a shared dinner in the living room would suffice; shared smiles and laughs that filled the room.

Sometimes, like that night, Jacob on his bed, guitar in hand, and Hyunjae resting his head on Jacob’s shoulder “You play with that guitar more than you play with me” he used to say,jokingly.And their voices would mingle in the soft sounds, resembling one.

Eventually, Jacob drops his guitar and it takes Hyunjae less than a second to fill the void, in Jacob’s lap. They stay there for a while, Jacob touching Hyunjae’s hair the way he knows he loves it, and Hyunjae traces soft patterns onto Jacob’s left hand.

“ I’m going back to Canada” Jacob announces like he is sharing a secret, that’s the tone he uses. Hyunjae looks up to him, wandering eyes.

“To visit my family for the holidays” he keeps combing Hyunjae’s hair. No reaction but then a soft “Oh” that escapes.

“And I want you to come with me”

There is no reaction from Hyunjae’s side, so Jacob keeps trying, slightly shy.

“If you want to, of course. It’s very different from Korea but I think you might like it, I can translate for you and…”

“Hey. I’d love to. Please take me with you” is Hyunjae who finally says, rising himself just a bit to leave a chaste kiss on Jacob’s lips. 

They smile with such fondness that surpasses them. Hyunjae thinks about the million things he wants to experience next to Jacob be in Canada or anywhere in the world, as long as they’re next to each other. Jacob keeps caressing his hair and face, it takes no time for them to fall asleep in each other’s warmth. 

It is more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you liked this piece of mind, I think this is a very personal and also emotional fic which is what I like to write rather than writing a very intricate plot, I hope you like this style and this story! it took me a few months to write and edit but milcob is worth the effort and time.  
> Please do let me know what you think, kudos and comments are always appreciated  
> twt is @ mil_jaes  
> And lastly! English is not my first language/ I'm self-taught I apologize for any mistakes ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ


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